exhausted

Sometimes I think getting sick is a way for God to slow us down and bring us to Him.

control

Tuesday night I went to the State Fair of Texas with Andrea. We had a mission. Maybe it was a combined mission.

Me:
*One fletcher Corny Dog smothered in mustard and ketchup
*One texas tornader tators smothered in seasoning and ketchup
*One pound of sugar AKA Fresh squeezed lemonade
*One ride on the midway

Andrea:
*One fletcher Corny Dog plain (that's just not american)
*One Texas Tornader Tators smothered in seasoning and cheese
*One pound of sugar AKA Fresh squeezed lemonade
*One ride on the midway

I am happy to say we both accomplished the mission and did it under $15. It helped sharing the tators not only saving money but calories. A little less for me because I had a teacher fair ticket. It was fun and I enjoyed staying in the moment...taking in the sounds, smells, sights.

We decided on a ride that spinned us in circles in the air. I had my own little car on the scorpion. The loud music made me anticipate the fun I would have as we waited for the ride to fill up.

The ride whipped us round and round. There were several points where I closed my eyes and enjoyed it. I thought this is life. Round and round. Up and down. Spinning out of MY control. I knew and freely admitted I was out of control.

That's when I enjoyed it.

wait

These verses in Lamentations have grabbed my heart for the past couple of days. I have done a lot of reading on waiting.

If anyone knows me, I HATE to wait and I am RARELY quiet.

The past couple of evenings I have read these verses before I fell asleep. I soaked in the hope of a new morning. I have met a stillness each morning even with the sound of my alarm clock. It was not my doing or what was going on in my world.

This is about me and God...inviting me to hold on...

24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

Quietness

I am in awe of God. I don't know how to fully explain Him. How He loves me no matter what I do?!? How He always takes me back when I have run the other direction?!? How He holds no grudges even though I have put Him last on the list?!?

So He opened my eyes this weekend. My utter dependence was on Him. He showed up. He also reminded me that He is always there. I just choose to ignore Him alot. Even today as I went about teaching estimation, I had to choose to welcome Him.

The mind is a very powerful battlefield and there is constant raging war in mine. Just ask my friends. When I am ready to surrender to the other side, I plead with Him one last time. No, He hasn't fixed what I want fixed. He hasn't given me what I want. But He quiets my soul in a way that nothing else will. It may come thru a friend, a situation, a kind word, or just a peace within.

Though things sort of suck these days and are not ideal according to Jolie reality, He has been my strength, my comforter, my hope, the catcher of all my tears.

psalms 131

Psalm 131

A Pilgrim Song.

the Message

1God, I'm not trying to rule the roost,
I don't want to be king of the mountain.
I haven't meddled where I have no business
or fantasized grandiose plans.

2 I've kept my feet on the ground,
I've cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother's arms,
my soul is a baby content.

3 Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.
Hope now; hope always!

KawRaw

So I don't know how to write hebrew but the pronounciation is "Kaw-Raw" which means "cry out".

So yesterday Neil started a new series on Psalms 120-135(I think it is 135)Anyways, the first part of the series was looking at how the psalms cry out to God. People were just as desperate as they are today.

I never have had a problem crying out to God. My problem is crying out to him FIRST. He is usually my last resort. You know when nothing else works. I go thru my friends and family and co-workers. When that doesn't work, I try to fix it myself. THEN I go to God. By that time I am soooooo frustrated I am crying and screaming and begging.

So I was able to practice kaw-raw Sunday afternoon. Instead of doing my usual "call Andrea so I can make sense of my emotions", I got on my knees and buried my face in the 1980's green cordurouy couch and cried out to the Maker of the heaven and earth. I won't say it changed circumstances but He did comfort me to the depths of my inner most being.

Next week I will learn about waiting. Waiting on the Lord. Hmmmmm...that may be a little harder to practice.

Wrapped in His Love, Grace, and Mercy
Jolie

Within a month

It has been a while.
I have done some exploring new states.
Traveling by plane, car, foot, four wheeler, fishing boat,inner tube.
Examining my current reality.
Feeling the emotions.
Seeking to find a living balance between the two.
Fighting the roaring lies.
Soaking in the gentle whispers of truth.
Building muscles from the heavy burden I carry.
Relaxing when the burden is taken away or set aside.
Sharing some tears.
Filling a room with laughter.
Sometimes I think maybe I really am loopy.

Flat broke

If it ain't broken, don't fix it!!

If it needs fixin, break it completely...
step on it...
smash it...
dig your heels into it...
rip it...
shred it...
cut it...
stomp on it...
throw it against a wall...
punch it...
make it hurt...
whatever it takes to make it where it can no longer fix itself.