Searching, Questioning, Struggling, Relinquishing

I think that it (whatever it is...husband, job, what you want out of life)wouldn't be as satisfying or we wouldn't be as thankful or wouldn't depend on God as much if we didn't go thru some sorrow and pain and grief...If stuff was just completely handed to us, would we trust God? Would we question Him?

I think questioning Him is good whether it is harsh questions or everyday questions. How else do you truly get to the understanding of something without digging deep and challenging someone with questions?

Then you know...and it sticks...it is not a fleeting thought...it is truly known...when you search and search for something, you treasure it more once you've found it...You make sure you know where it is...you are not as careless as maybe you once were...you cherish it and value it...

I haven't gone full circle with it back to laying down your will...It is rough...we want what we've envisioned but it pales in comparision of what God has planned...He doesn't neccessarily give us what we think we want because He LOVES us sooooo much He gives us something a gazillion times better...

It's like getting a gift...so imagine it's your birthday...there on your hands is a cheap yet half way decent looking pink rhinestone ring that you spent many minutes trying to find the right one whilest shopping with the airband at Foley's one afternoon and of course everyone in the airjello had to have one same style, different color...it is treasured not because it is worth a whole lot but because it holds those memories and you don't have anything else to wear on that finger...It is faded because it's cheap and pretty soon it will leave a mark on your finger...you hold on to it because you would feel naked without it...

So on your birthday someone dear brings you a gift...a little box...you are so excited with anticipation you can hardly contain yourself..."what is it?" you wonder...BUT you can't open it until you give up the $12 ring...you want both...you want to see what's in the little white box before you give up the sentimental ring...you can't...you are asked to give it up without knowing exactly what the gift is...you are tied to it because it is what you've known and envisioned for yourself...How do you take the risk of giving that up for something you know nothing about?...What do you do?

So you go round and round in your head...a battle of what if's and how do I make the right choice...what if what I have is better and the gift sucks...but you trust this person most of the time...you love this person and he/she loves you more than you can even comprehend...you hem and haw...torturing yourself...then, you allow them to take the cheapy imitation off and throw it away....

With a little hestitation and great expectation, you open the gift...

A new, rare, precious, real, a little-on-the-pricey-side shiny ring...you have longed for it...you've always wanted a ring that came in a box instead of having to cut the plastic off to actually wear the ring...you have already forgotten the old one...you can't contain the excitement of the new one...

So why do we hold on to our own will's so tightly??